This will probably will be the stupidest entry ever.
Sure, I will write something coherent, something that will produce a mental image in your mind, but it will just be all about the bull in me.
I'm not saying I'm bull. I'm not really saying I'm shit or something, no reason to be harsh on myself. After all. I'm just saying what I feel.

I might be of this idiot. oh by the way the hucoint exam went well. And really nothing can comprehend myself, not me or my mind. I'm just this walking talking piece of well not trash, I'm a walking talking human being, well, all human beings walk and talk right? Well, not all, the mute doesnt talk and the cripple doesnt walk.

Now, what becomes of me? I'm still the normally insane girl, still figuring out what's her little role in the big world. I'm still this digressed writer. writing stories with no in-betweens and ends. I'm this computer science student who just seemed to be grazing through the classes. her mind wandering aimlessly. Seemingly starting to drift off and think about the more beautiful things in life. loving, giving, the horizon, good books, the computer icq, and whatever that makes her heart soar to the moon.

I don't know what I like anymore. In fact, I'm thinking so much, that I don't think of what I think of anymore.Which results me to being this incomprehensible being that seemed to look perfectly alright, but a lot of things have covered the walls of her crying heart. Darkness maybe, or something.

So, ano ngayon, life goes on. No one really did understood her. Labo kasi eh, di niya alam ano gusto niya yun tuloy nagagalit mga tao sa mga tampururut niya or whatever you may call it. Some did understood, at least, some tried to, yung sa una.

I am not myself. I have to be careful. People might take me the wrong way, people will be angry if I do this and do that and do everything i desire. I cannot plan my own defense or my own little strategies, since they almost always backfired, resulting to those unforgettable sighs and murmurs of displeasure and discontent. Sometimes right in my face, sometimes behind my back. Others just shouted without tact. Better best to just slap it in my face..rather than me going about the pain of knowing it from others.

hard enough, I am also a martyr. First one to make a mistake, first one to say sorry, first person to go and try to patch things up. Forget me, other people first, it said so, puts others ahead of herself.

but, really, whats is the point of everything written here? nothing much. Just something out of nothing. Also, I tend to blow off in the wrong place in time.

"ayan naman galit nanaman si Donna"
"ayan nagtatampo nanaman si Donna"

Now, of course, it would be my fault, because I'm the moody creature from planet somewhere.
So, please, if someone else thinks it's their fault, it's not.
Don't blame it ... as far as I'm concerned, if it weren't for the overdosage of the bitch pills with fortified whine and extra crappiness, someone wouldn't be so pissed off.

Now, I brood it over with myself. usually it always goes that way. I just keep stewing my own goat. or chicken. or whatever the hell I want, then it boils, the simmers, then cools down. Some drinks this awful concoction, but better best leave it alone.
Then Off I go to the Tra-la-la land where the birds sings and the flowers bloom. When my little precense will send the dark clouds coming and the thunders to errupt, the lightning to strike and the rain to pour.
Icy, icy coldness.

I closed my eyes to the pain.
Closed my heart from all the things that have struck me to the extreme points.
I live in the unreal world.
my world, where it just revolves around love and not all the materialistic stuff designed from hell to make the wonderful things extinct and the new innovations seemed to further disintegrate the minds of people of diminishing their innocence and purity.

I wonder if my innocence and purity is still there.
What the hell again am I doing here?
Oh yeah, writing something bull--> coherent.

How to love? love with the deepest of desire, the wildest emotions. Love with the purest of pain and the grief that could cry a thousand rivers. Never be afraid to hurt, but never hurt intentionally. Forgive the past mistakes, and live the present. And look forward to the wonderful future happening right now. It's all about 60 40. Difficultly arises, but love will always find a way. It is paired with Hope and Faith, gentle and fiery all the same time. Never mind what people will say, or if the whole world is against you, you and me against the world, is how the way I will love, I love you and the whole world conspired with me to help me find you (barok na quotation galing sa The Alchemest).

Hate? Forget Hate. But we are imperfect. In God's eyes we are, we just keep forgetting. Ayan. kaya nagkaaaway, tampuhan. Walang understanding. We keep on thinking how worthless we are that we don't deserve him/her, ayun tuloy the mind over matter shit really works.
It succumbs us so much. too much. We forget someone cares and love us. who'd be there.
What if suddenly everyone was just so preoccupied with themselves. busy with everything that is revolving in their little lives to notice the other people knocking at their door. Too bad, nakaDND kasi eh. Sure they would open the door then close it anyway after the acknowledging nod.

Good thing someone still opens the window for me. Kahit medyo mahirap umakyat sa bintana. kinda like romeo and juliet. but of course I'm there. I would always be there, too much already it's sickening, making someone blow chunks, spew guts, emit a Technicolor yawn because of my hovering presence.

People just laugh at me looking hopeless climbing that window. Sneer at my stupidity.
Others warned me, but nevertheless, this determination. Was the only light my only candle.

Or so i thought.
As the candle grew dim. Inside me, the luster remains the same, until it rusts.
Hope someone has a polisher in handy.

but in the meantime. I would close myself in my shell for a while. I would just wander aimlessly in the made-up world i live. Maybe I would come out feeling much better than I do today.

....
sige aral nalang ng anmath2 isa nalang...tapos start na sana ng bakasyon.